Alive..but living?

Do you ever feel
like you’ve come to the end
like you can’t go any further
just can’t take it anymore

Not turning out as you thought it would
as you thought it should
as you thought God wanted it to be

You know He’s there and yet can’t feel it anymore
it all feels too distant
You long for something slightly more tangible
someone who understands you
someone you can share it all with

Not asking for anything out of this world
just someone to speak to
someone who can give proper replies
or at least confirm you’re still sane.

“A guy needs somebody - to be near him.
A guy goes nuts if he ain’t got nobody.
Don’t make no difference who the guy is,
long’s he’s with you.”

Sure about the first part, not so much about the rest.
Definitely not alone, surrounded by others more than ever
Yet still not feeling as though its enough?

Hi guys

Welcome to my new blog.. I hope I’ll find some time to write stuff this summer because at this rate I’ve barely had any time to stop for a few seconds and think, let alone write blog posts. Which brings me right to explaining the title I chose for this blog..

Do you ever feel like you’re rushing through life trying to cope with it all? Maybe enjoying moments of it, but are you really satisfied deep down? We may be living, but are we really alive? Are we really enjoying every moment, or always looking towards the future, to what may come, what we think will come, and always living in a dream instead of appreciating what we really have? Just chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow..

Yesterday evening I had my 17th birthday BBQ, and invited quite a few friends over. I had worked together with my parents, especially my dad, for weeks to get the garden and pool ready in time. So far a big part of my summer had been working on it, telling myself it’s all worth it in the end considering the great day ahead that I was working for. I had come to expect so much out of that day. When it actually came, I can’t not say that it was an amazing day and everyone said they really enjoyed it, yet part of me was not really satisfied and not really feeling myself. It was like after all the work I had tired myself out so much that I could barely appreciate just how good it was anymore. Might have been a long, slightly out of point example but I think it follows the same pattern of what we, or at least I do very often. Instead of enjoying every day and appreciating every moment, we live in a future dream, and when we do achieve something end up saying “Is this it?”, as good as it may be, and move onto the next dreamy objective. Just to repeat it was still a really good day, thanks to all those who came

Soo.. looks like what I had planned to be a brief post before going to sleep turned into quite a long one. Basically to round up, my point is that very often we end up not living every day to the full, focusing on what we didn’t manage and what we don’t have rather than what we do and are so lucky to. Let’s not just be alive, but really lving to the full!

Im just gna finish off with some stuff I wrote some time ago, not really related to the rest of the post.

you don’t know what you do to me

you make me want to forget the history

felt like we had something

now it’s there no more

needed each other in life

i don’t know, i don’t know

i can’t take it any more

 

why must it always be so complicated

just want to live my life

just want to end the strife

and move on

already did that though

just to fall again

back down the same old road

so familiar now

might aswell call it home

 

open your eyes to the disillusionment

only hearing what you want to hear

only seeing what you want to see

thinking you had it all

just to find out the truth

and the emptiness shocks you

the feeling chokes you

and you want it all to stop

 

funny thing is these weren’t some selfish dreams

just dreams of true love, pure love

and yet it seems that to me

this love shall never be returned.

 

but don’t go thinking that way

life moves on, you finally move on

gaining new hope

seeing the light after the rain

only

to fall again

 

and yet i feel

there’s a different everlasting hope out there

someone who has this unending love for me

just waiting to be discovered

God teach me how to love You

how to give my life to You

leave it all in Your hands

You have a plan for us

though it takes us down roads we will never understand

for You work in the most mysterious of ways

Lord all i need is You

All I need is You.                                                                                                              18/12/08

—

Six months on, feeling as lost as ever in front of God

barely knowing if He’s there or not

yet it only comes natural to me now to keep asking Him for help

I thought all was fine till that point

when the questions all piled up

and I seemed to lose it all within minutes

asking, is God really there

or is it all in our heads?

 

Looking for answers, not finding any

losing patience, forgetting how to wait

Yet they all come slowly, sometimes it’s days

sometimes years

It all fits into the perfect plan of God for us

or is that just our way of making life make sense?

 

Going back to the example of Jesus

He truly is my hope in this life

All in all it must come down to our faith

We will never have all the answers at a time

Not because answers don’t exist

Just because we’re so effective at creating new questions

Not necessarrily a bad thing, but a chance to grow in faith

Do we want to remain static

or keep growing and getting to know Him more?

Tough as they may be

It’s times like these when we grow the most.

 

Can we go through life always relying on physical proof?

Too scared to do anything anymore

or take the risk, leave our comfort

and just let go

falling

faster now

straight towards the ground

yet knowing that just in time out comes our parachute, God!

 

One question I asked, can we really make a difference in this world?

Shall we just go through life and then die, leaving nothing behind

leaving the world how we found it?

Or shall we be the change

shall we make a difference?

But how can we? Where to start?

Is there really a solution?

And then it occured to me

something telling me “Stop placing it all on yourself”

Jesus came into this world, God, Perfection

and yet problems in the world still exist

They didn’t stop there, so how can we expect

to save the world ourselves?

The answer, just do our bit, forget all that we want to be

and focus more on what He wants us to be

we might have no idea, but just take it one step at a time.

Answers do exist, we just need the patience!

 

In the end, there is proof. We do need some proof.

God himself wants us to find some, and not make it blind faith

but reasoned belief.

But at the end of the day it will come down to faith

Proof will only get us so far, and more questions will always exist.

It all comes down to this; taking the leap of faith

–                                                                                             16/05/09

 

Growing stronger.

I can feel it.

More confident in faith, secure again.

And it feels better, reawakening.

Just keep strong, stay strong, stop at this point?

As good as it may feel

we can’t remain static.

We will move, whether we like it or not.

The question is, for the better or the worse?

Welcome change, turn your opposing into embracing.

Take every opportunity as a chance to grow,

remembering that growing sometimes means falling.

 

But with growing and feeling more confident

come added risks,

not so much risks as new challenges.

To keep our focus on Him alone, not forget how much we need God

and get carried away by the world

placing our trust in earthly beings.

God take away that feeling

of us chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

There are aims

we need to reach for them

and we will achieve them.

But let us do it the way God wants us to

the way He planned us to

not the way we want to.

The right is rarely the easiest.

Make it not so much what we want in life

but what you want of us in life.

Amen                                                                                                                    17/05/09

 

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